Momma Drama

No flow to this post. It will jump from here to there, to and fro. It's a little something I like to call the jitterbuggin' post. Proceed at your own risk.

Day #6 of 10. Took the big two to school, then dropped Little Miss ThingyDingy off at daycare.
Went grocery shopping, then stopped at the Halloween USA store and paid $45 to WHACK costumes from the sewing list. Yay me. Devin is in love with her costume, it is all she has talked about tonight. I ordered the wig from e-bay and expect that in a few days. Trent got the Zorro accessories...hat, mask, cape and sword. I just need to outfit him in a black shirt and pants, and make him a belt. I got Bunny's costume the other day at the Goodwill store. She's going to be the cutest Bunny you've ever seen!

My Meijer store is so damn efficient at emptying the cart corral that there is NEVER a cart when you need one. I did not need one today, but I usually like to have one available to plunk the Bun in, and have the big two hang on to while we go through the lot.

Lara Flynn Boyle's lips scare me!

I do not like the new Mustangs, but I wouldn't say no to a Dodge Charger. Of course, the Charger is still no SS. Holy crap! That one is very close to home. Sigh.

I have wrestled with the job issue for quite a few weeks now. Here are my thoughts in no particular order on the subject:
*I'm okay with going to work. I'm okay that Dave doesn't want to get a second job.
~The thought was part-time at first, but I'm not opposed to full-time at this point.
*I trust my daycare(s) completely, and have no *real* issue with the kids being there.
~I have issues with *having* to have the kids go to daycare for me to get a job. Funny, I have no issues with taking them to daycare for me to get some down time.
*I really have no desire to back to a nursing home setting at this point, mainly beacuse of shift hours. Day shift starts at 6 am.
~I want to get out of my comfort zone.
*I don't want the kids at daycare 5 days a week, for hours on end.
~I want to feel challenged professionally. Learn something new.
*I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that according to the Miss Snapper Master Plan of 2002, I should have free time right now in excess. Due to the fact that I'm the mother of only two.
~The above statement causes me tons of guilt.
*I'm okay with making sacrifices for the sake of being a (most of the time) SAHP.
~I'm somewhat pissy about making some sacrifices if I think too much about it. I think that makes me ungrateful, but it's little things mainly. I'm tired of feeling self-inflicted pressure to search out the best deal on everything, every damn time, so we don't squander money. I'm tired of not grabbing the good smelling soap, because it costs more.
*I feel and also don't feel like I'm firing my kids by wanting to work, full time even.
~I'm okay that if I get a M-F job, the kids still have Dave here twice a week. We are talking three days a week of daycare for them. Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.
*I'm tired of having all 3 of them within hitting/poking/kicking/growling/fighting reach of each other in the car. No job, no mini van.
~I'm tired of thinking that I'm going to help fund 3 college funds in time. Here's the math: I start back to work full time in 2008. In a perfect world, we'd have 3 fully funded college funds by 2016, 2018 and 2021.
*This house is never going to get the repairs done at the rate we are going.
~Living darn near pay-check to pay check is stressful. Not so much when you are young and stupid, but way too nerve wracking when you are older and wiser...with 3 kids.
*Dave is still going through his mid-life crisis disguised as a job search. He can't really help us at this point.
~Dave hates the job he is at right now. This puts me in the hot seat. The grass is always greener...
*If I was working, the lion's share of household duties would not fall solely to me. Or I wouldn't be as quick as I am to try and do it all myself beacue "I'm the at home parent..."
~It's easier to WHACK the bullshit when you have less family hours in the day.
*I trust Dave to do a fine job taking care of the kids when I'm gone. Not because he has to, but because he is fully capable. It has taken me a l o n g time to discover this.
~Any grief I feel about working full-time, as far as being away from Maiya can be rationalized by the fact that she is the first child to have me all to herself. I worked part time outside of the home with the other two, with Maiya I work from home.
*I worry that the hours I spend here with the kids are what you could consider quality. Somehow oversaturation and quality don't seem to go together. Too much of a good thing, etc.
~Will I be a better, more fun mom by going back to work? Quality over quantity?
*Will I be a worse, over stressed, tired, cranky mother by going back to work?
~Working can always be temporary for me until all 3 are in school, as far as I know.
*We are lucky enough to have options, some people don't.

So. Selfish? Normal? Conflicted? Drama momma? Ungrateful? Not worthy of SAHPdom? Mid life crisising myself? In a rut? Stagnating? Blossoming? Which is it?

A horse with diarrhea sucks! It's really hard to avoid driving through all that shit in your lane on a one lane highway. Green acres is the place for me, farm living is the life for me....